God bless ‘em, they did it. Scientists at Meta Innovations Labs (MIL) developed a cure for congenital deafness. The press release says it all: a series of gene-modifying ear drops across a period of 6 months for children under the age of 5 born with a rare but pervasive genetic mutation which would otherwise leave them deaf. They’re saying they can save millions of hearing ears. The best part? MIL is committed to providing this groundbreaking treatment to every eligible child 100% free. Gratis! 

     The FDA approval came down earlier this year and the first few children to be treated for free are already starting to demonstrate some intriguing findings. It turns out the drops work so well that they not only unlock hair cells in the normal human ear frequencies but even let the children hear into otherwise empty frequencies - the kind usually only occupied by hyper specifically-tuned radios. Executives at MIL have moved quickly to obtain exclusive broadcast privileges over these frequencies to limit unexpected feedback in the newly-hearing ears. Now they’re floating the idea of exercising the broadcast privilege as a potential revenue generating avenue through limited, targeted, unobtrusive direct-to-consumer advertising.

     I say, bring it on! After all, following an initial exploratory grant from the NIH, MIL staked $8 billion of its own funds on this project and they have every right to recoup this investment. Anyone who doesn’t want to hear the ads can always opt into a new tier of ear drop treatments which selectively re-deactivate these radio-sensitive hair cells. I just hope MIL expedites their next venture: ear drops treating hearing loss in older adults like me. Last month I signed up for a clinical trial and I dare say, the results have surprised me just how fast they started! I can hear better than ever, like I’m 20 again. And only ever so often do I… does the adver- sorry. One second…